Reviewers rate patriotic brews for elections

Welcome back to another week of making sure the editorial staff is earning their keep. We’re a bit mad they took out a few of our favorite jokes from last week’s edition, but we can’t be too bitter.

The Record is the only source of print media that will publish our horrendous writing. It’s election week, and we sincerely hope all of you exercised your right to vote. (We know the Poli Sci folks at the McCarthy Center are frothing over this review.) In the spirit of democracy, and by the suggestion of Chuck’s mom, Suzy, we decided to review a series of patriotic favorites for our bipartisan column.

**Sam Adams Boston Lager**

*For an authentic experience, please read in a Boston accent.*

Though Jack got chirped on his way back to his apartment for carrying a case of Sam Adams, we stand by this all-American favorite. Crisp, a tad bitter, but wicked smooth. There’s a reason little Sam Adams became a nationally syndicated brewery on the shoulders of this sweet number.

Tastes like a cool autumn day, maybe a bald eagle squawking in the background, with a little Dropkick Murphy’s blaring in the distance; in short, it tastes like all the good parts of America, and none of the CIA faux government parts. This beer might just make us order a cranberry juice at the bar the next time we go out (you should know it’s a natural diuretic) and might even have Chuck asking you, “How’s ya motha?,” “She’s on her way out” or “We all are, act accordingly.” We like this beer. Do we care if you agree with us? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe go drink a Black Cherry Whiteclaw. Our theory on seltzer drinkers is that they’re like mushrooms—feed ‘em crap and keep ‘em in the dark…you readers have a good day.

**Budweiser**

Yes, you read that right: Budweiser. Not Bud Light, Budweiser. We know what Bud Heavy tastes like, and we know that y’all know what Bud Heavy tastes like, but Jack was at Off Sale and saw some cans that had the American flag on them with the word “Freedom” emblazoned across the front where “Budweiser” should be.

Instead of reviewing the beer, we’ll share our favorite places to drink a Bud Heavy. Hopefully there’s some overlap with all of you. • With a fatherly figure discussing the recent bouts of local politicians • Anytime below the Mason-Dixon line • Playing pull tabs at a dive bar • Fishing out west on the bank of a cold stream • At a football tailgate when a Johnnie alumnus hands you a cold one • Weeknight run at the American Legion

**Natural Light: Naturdays Red, White and Blueberry**

Our loyal readers know that a few weeks ago, Jack’s dad Mike brought up a few of his expired Naturday’s Red, White and Blueberry beers. Turns out, this man is a trend setter. For only $9.98 at your local Coborn’s Liquor store, a case of these fraticuous (yes, we just made up that word) brews can be yours.This deal was too good for Chuck to pass up.

What better way to celebrate election day than this little number. It is sweet and appealing on the surface, but after further research you find that it’s not all what It’s cracked up to be, just like your favorite senator. It’s incredibly tasty at first, but after three of these and some Gary’s boneless spicy sweet chili wings, your stomach will sound like fireworks on the Fourth of July and feel like the hangover that you’ll have to experience again the following morning.

If you’re reading this, we hope you all voted. If you’re one of the degenerates that didn’t vote in this election, we hope you stub your toe after getting pooped on by a bald eagle. Stay tuned for next week’s review because we have a few very special guests joining us with special brews to match them.

And if you reached this far into the article, you’re probably wondering about Chuck’s chances with the various Bennies from the St. Joe bars. Well, this story might take a while and we’re getting word from the editors that we need to wrap this puppy up, so we’ll leave you with this short quote: “Hope is a waking dream” -Aristotle

In short…long season.