Reviewers look back on their college experience with timely concoctions

The long season has finally come to a close. We tearfully part with the beer review, and from you, our five devoted readers. We’re going to miss a ton about this place, and high up on the list is cramming in the review on Tuesday nights in the Seton apartments. We thought we’d leave you reflecting on our favorite drinks from four periods of this year, and certainly not our four years of college. As always, do not drink underage and stop @ buzzed. First up, Jack.

**First quarter: Lemon Bacardi**

Tastes like poor decisions, write ups from Brother Dennis, and the formation of new friendships. Jack hasn’t touched this one since the end of the first quarter, but it’s always a good laugh that at one point, a healthy pour of lemon Bacardi, some Sprite and a heaping squirt of fruit punch Mio was his go-to cocktail. Gross.

**Second Quarter: Lost Lake Light**

Tastes like COVID quarantines, dorm room parties and a rusty copper pipe. It’s the cheapest 24-pack on the market, and it certainly drinks that way. However, we can both appreciate that it did the job just fine. Would we recommend this one? Not at all. It’s purely a nostalgia beer. Save your tears and pay an extra few bucks for McGolden or Hamm’s.

**Third Quarter: Dimensional Brewing**

Jack’s hometown brewery, Dimensional, is where his love for craft beer all started. He bribed his father into delivering a couple of cans every time the Doyle family came to visit and shared it amongst close friends. Classics include their Arnold Palmer-flavored shandy, their marshmallow tangerine kettle sour and their myriad of hazy IPAs. We recommend that all of you find a great brewery to go with your friends, share a few beers and actually taste what you’re drinking. It’s a surefire recipe for success.

**Fourth Quarter: Hendrick’s G&T from the Middy**

A timeless classic. Good for any occasion, and always refreshing. It’s a mixed drink with a complex flavor profile similar to an IPA (tastes like pine needles). Gotta be Hendrick’s though, because we’re snobs now. We recommend you get yours served by Will, Katie, Mitty or JOB at our favorite hometown bar. Jack’s come a long way from Bacardi and Mio.

Now, let’s go to Chuck.

**First Quarter: Natural Ice**

This is an immature brew that should be questioned for potential carcinogens. Packing a 5.9% ABV into a dirty Natty can with hints of diesel and cat pee, this is a gentle reminder of the mistakes of past lives and the friends picked up along the way. One gram of protein does not make this a health food, Chuck. Regret.

**Second Quarter: Lost Lake Light**

Chuck’s second quarter was much the same as Jack. Packed tightly like a tin of spearmint zyns in your back pocket, we enjoyed a few cases over this quarter. Does it taste like you’re sucking on a copper pipe? Absolutely. Does the lack of taste due to contracting COVID make it taste like a LaCroix? You couldn’t be more correct. This is a value brew when you have a stuffy nose or just don’t care anymore.

**Third Quarter: Bad Habit**

Reminiscent of Friday evenings on the porch of Bourbon Street filled with crowlers of experimental IPAs pumped out of Bad Habit’s back room. This may have been the start of Chuck and Jack’s blood bond. A staple of Chuck’s college experience, Bad Habit is the vibes guy of campus, a place where you can see your favorite (or sometimes your least favorite professor) drinking a chocolate stout while two bozos who write dumb beer reviews for the school newspaper discuss the economic modalities of the southern colonies and the idea that Wood drastically underestimates the impact of social distinctions predicated upon wealth, especially inherited wealth. Nevertheless, this is the place you go to get away from the hustle and bustle of St. Joe and enjoy a variety of IPA’s, a classic English ale or Chuck’s favorite: Rather Ripped (a blood orange milkshake IPA).

**Fourth Quarter: Michelob Ultra**

Chuck was fumbling over which sharpshooter he wanted to take the final shot in Game Seven of the NBA finals. Martians have the death beam pointed at Collegeville, the fate of the universe on the line…Chuck is choosing a Michelob Ultra. Get all your hate and anger out now. Chuck has nothing to lose, you can’t hurt him anymore. A slim can, 95 calories, 4.2% ABV, the OG beer readers know why Chuck loves this brew. Chuck came into this review the same way he’s going out, with The Athletes Beer in hand and a fit that deserves a repost on the Michelob Ultra Drip page.

Our current mental state is that of a bittersweet symphony. Jack is dealing with a gf that hates beer (shame shame Ashlynn). Post grad he’ll be riding out his days in Puerto Rico as a part of the Benedictine Volunteer Corps trying various island libations and teaching English to high schoolers that are probably much cooler than him. Chuck’s in the exodus of his Greek tragedy: he never ended up talking with the Middy Girl and found comfort in J. Cole’s hit song; Love Yourz. Upon passing his final few classes (God willing), Chuck will be working for KPMG in Minneapolis hopefully making enough money to be able to comfortably purchase the craft beers we drank on a regular basis without his wallet screaming at him.

We love you all and wish those returning next year the very best. Thanks to The Record staff for giving us an excuse to make bad jokes and drink weird beers every week. It was a pleasure. The season is over, and it was a damn good one.