Beer reviewers taste mediocre wine

Welcome back to another fantastic semester of ABC reviews.

A little update from your favorite Johnnies. Mack and Sam tried the De-Lovely beer again because they were out of other beers. It is still the worst beer ever brewed. We will die on that hill, probably from the horrible flavors.

Like a Bennie on a Wednesday, we decided to tackle a few bottles of wine with our good friend, Jake Adams, for our return.

We had four bottles of Gallo Family wine, a bottle of The Federalist, Stella Rosa and Christina.

Please don’t consume alcoholic beverages if you are under 21 and follow the law. If you are of legal drinking age, please drink responsibly and…stop at buzzed!

**The Federalist**

The Federalist is a Cabernet Sauvignon, coming in at 13.9% BAC. None of us really know what the differences between the wine types are. We are pretty sure that this Federalist is a red wine, but we’ve been wrong before.

The sticker on the bottle has Benjamin Franklin and a baseball background on it, so naturally, Mack curled up in a ball, cried and sang the national anthem for an hour.

The Federalist was the unanimous favorite among the writers.

Even though we were drinking a liquid, we could have sworn we were licking the ground. Licking dirt with some morning dew on it, if you will. If you enjoy wine typically enjoyed by a middle-aged mom, this might be for you,

**The Stella Rosa**

The Stella Rosa had a unique taste to it. With a whopping 5% BAC, this drink was quite sweet, the same kind of taste you can get at Perkins at three in the morning when you ask for a glass of grape juice.

This is the kind of wine that your mom would be okay giving you a sip of during the New Year’s Eve party in 2008.

This is the type of drink that a lightweight would drink a glass of and claim they are maximizing their buzz when in reality they only have a headache from the overwhelming amount of sweetness.

**Christina van Loveren**

Next up, we had a bottle of Christina chardonnay. This bottle had 13.5% BAC and was our only white wine of the night.

This sweet chardonnay was named after Christina Van Loveren, a woman who arrived at the Cape of Good Hope in 1699.

Van Loveren’s descendants are making wine to this day in South Africa, and her bridal chest is the centerpiece in their tasting room today.

This white wine tastes faintly of citrus and is a pleasant drink if you favor white wines.

**Gallo Family**

Gallo Family is the bonus review of the week.

Sam and Mack decided to buy the fanciest, most expensive wine they could import from Italy, but as there is an enduring supply chain crisis that we all feel very strongly about, they couldn’t get any.

In lieu of that, they decided to go with the cheapest wine they could find. Well, $20 later they had four bottles of Gallo Family wine.

The flavors include Sweet Apple, Sweet Pineapple, Sweet Strawberry and Sweet Watermelon.

To be completely frank with you, these weren’t the greatest thing ever made. They were far from it.

However, it could always be worse. They could be De-Lovely. If anything, they tasted more like a seltzer than wine. They were sweet and had a hint of fruity flavor to them, but not enough to be able to distinguish which bottle we were drinking.

Well, that’s it for this week. If you have any recommendations for what we should try next, yell Doug three times in a row, and Mack will appear out of nowhere.

If you’re a single Bennie with a serious loathing towards the new bus schedule, slide into our very full DMs and we might get back to you in a couple of weeks.

Anyways, back to choring.