Tips on navigating the development of new romantic relationships

Find your Bennie/Johnnie. This suggestion lurks under the surface as if it has been added to our water. Finding your ideal partner is a quest in which we partake as we aim to satisfy a goal that many of us find important for our future. We get caught up in the excitement of a new situationship or a “just talking” phase, which can be a wonderfully exhilarating part of a budding romance. Keep these notes in mind as you are navigating the development of a romantic relationship:

1. Communication is essential. We occasionally assume that our partner “should just know” about everything in our relationship. Remember, they can read minds as well as you (as in they can’t). More communication is better than less. It helps others to know exactly how to meet our needs, making them more successful and our relationship deeper.

2. Resist dating the fantasy version of the person. Sometimes, we begin to create a relationship with the idea of a person rather than who they are in real life. We fill in the blanks of information with fantasies that meet our own needs or desires. Pause. Time for a reality check. Make sure you are forming your attachment to a real version of the person… not their fantasy doppelganger.

3. Maintain your other friendships and activities in your life. Your other friends and personal ventures in life continue to be important, even when you have started “a thing” with someone else. Avoid neglecting those other facets of your life. They will celebrate your happiness and be there for you if the “thing” ends.

4. Consider what you are seeking and need from your romantic partner, and what you don’t. Resist the temptation to give your partner total control over your needs, wants and identity. You continue to have an autonomous identity separate from your partner, and you will need to maintain that for your own sense of security and happiness.

5. Take time for yourself. Think of your life as a multi-leg stool. You are a leg of the stool that requires attention, care and tending to in order for your life to maintain its balance. Have your alone time. Do your class work. Feed your soul food, whatever that may be.

6. Pay attention to the yellow and red flags. Not all relationships that develop are healthy. Pay attention to any warning signs, hesitations or concerns that arise along the way. These subtle indicators may be important signals for you that your needs are not being met or tended to.

7. Take your time. You are still learning about yourself. You are growing and expanding in your own world. Allow the relationship to develop and expand as well.

8. If you are not in a romantic relationship, resist the temptation to fret or self-criticize. Romance develops at its own pace and in your own time. Continue to explore the opportunities you have and the priorities you make as you proceed. Perhaps, this just isn’t the right time, place, people, etc. for you to find your person.

Let me end with a consideration for you: there are nearly 7.9 billion people in the world. Could it be that the person that you are best suited for may exist outside of the approximately 2,800 students at CSB+SJU? I encourage you to release the pressure that may be building and give yourself the time to develop a deep meaningful relationship, whether that is with a fellow student… or not. Check out loveisrespect.org for more.