Being courageous while being vulnerable

Discomfort. Pain. Shame.

Emotions we try desperately to avoid and minimize. These are emotions that are at times awful to experience and difficult to own when they occur.

Admitting them out loud can make us feel weak, incapable, and inadequate (consequently also things we don’t strive to feel –cue shame spiral). It can be intimidating to tell someone else when you are feeling attracted, excited, or any of the range of desirable emotions but it can feel impossible to open up to someone else when we are feeling these less cozy emotions. And yet, the thing people point to (and research backs this up) as the most impactful and significant element of their relationships that creates the most meaning and connection is vulnerability.

This skill is not one that you might have had much experience with in your life. Much of your social life has likely taken place and honed behind a screen and it can be deeply uncomfortable to reveal your emotions to another human being.

We might be terrified that they will shame or judge our emotional experience so much so that we withhold it, perhaps because we have experienced just such a reaction. We may smile and say “it’s no big deal” or “nevermind” just to avoid the awkwardness of vulnerability.

This fear has probably been taught to us from many different places. The online world wants us to maintain the perma-smile version of ourselves and it is often unkind to those who may be struggling or in pain.

Sometimes our families have views about discomfort and emotional struggle that have taught us they are unacceptable and a sign of being “less than” or “broken”.

Our own bodies tell us about these emotions: they are uncomfortable, they hurt and, we don’t want to have them! This often keeps them hidden because we are doing everything not to have the emotions we don’t want. But the kicker is that we all DO have them and the more we can learn about these emotions, the more we may stand a chance to feel less overwhelmed when they occur.

Making the decision to deepen your relationships through vulnerability is likely to enrich your experience of that person and also generates greater empathy, patience, and understanding of others. You may have to venture slowly as you build your skills – , small attempts are totally okay. We all have to take baby steps (and courage) to start something new.

We must also challenge ourselves to be patient and kind when someone shares something vulnerable with us. Be aware of our own temptation to judge or shame in reaction to the discomfort we feel. Lean into that feeling and ask yourself, what would I need if I shared this with someone else? Do I want this person to feel as though I have no heart or compassion?

Vulnerability comes in many different forms: sharing something hard, setting a boundary, saying no, holding someone else accountable, ending a relationship or, quitting a job (just to name a few).

We must cling to the courage and bravery we have built over time to do these things and accept that they will likely be uncomfortable while doing them.

The great news is that we can limit our discomfort by practicing it! Suddenly it becomes more familiar and easier to encounter as we live more fully with ourselves and with others.

For more on vulnerability and emotion exploration consider the works of Brene Brown (books, TedTalks, podcasts, etc.) and Russ Harris to explore accepting the emotional range.