Festive brews fall below expectations, evoke poor ratings

This week we were joined by Editor-in-Chief William Schwinghammer and Managing Editor Tess Glenzinski. Normally, they censor our jokes. This week, they’re writing some. How the tables have turned!

The second Thanksgiving dinner was over, it was Christmas time. As is tradition to get in the Christmas spirit more than we already are, we decided to indulge in festive brews. This week we tackled three holiday themed beverages: Shiner’s Holiday Cheer (5.4% ABV), Boulevard Brewing’s Nutcracker (7.8% ABV and 38 IBUs) and Samuel Adam’s Winter Lager (5.6% ABV and 22 IBUs).

**Shiner’s Holiday Cheer**

Shiner is dubbed a “Holiday cheer” beer brewed with peaches and pecans. The back label describes Shiner as malty beer with dark wheat flavors.

Hailing from Shiner, Texas, this beer was overall the most liked by this beer review crew.

However, it is no surprise that it tastes nothing like Christmas considering we can count on one hand the number of Texans that have seen snow in their life. We are thoroughly convinced that Sandy Cheeks has seen more snowfalls in Bikini Bottom than she saw the entire time she lived in Texas.

Shiner still manages to be the most unique of all the drinks and the best tasting. However, the bar was set lower than the probability of Mack’s stock options ending up in the money by the end of the week. It is nothing to write home to mom about. Nothing special, nothing exciting, but nothing offensive. It’ll do.

Tess: I am not a beer drinker and tend to think every beer tastes like subtle variations of the same bread water, but this beer was palatable. At least for about half the bottle. The peaches and pecan brewed in the beer gave it a taste like a pleasant holiday fruitcake. Unfortunately, the beer was no longer palatable after half the bottle and I was given the Bud Light festive pack. To my absolute and utter shock, I found that Mack’s review of each flavor (Toasted Marshmallow, Apple Crisp, Maple Pear and Pumpkin Pie) mixed together being better than each individually true. The chaos seltzer mixture was overall the best drink of the night.

Will: The peach taste wasn’t vile, but not remarkable. It tasted the way watching CNN in an airport feels, because it’s manageable but not desirable.

**Boulevard Brewing’s Nutcracker**

As our favorite time of year approaches, Honda Days, there is not a lot that can bring us down but Boulevard’s take on a festive beverage tried its best. It was underwhelming and was quite disappointing as there was nothing that made it stand out from a regular IPA.

This drink tastes like the beer that has been in the back of the fridge for six months past its best-by date. You cannot help but say yes to the beer when your future father-in-law offers it to you. You want to impress him, so you find yourself in quite the holiday pickle.

As this holiday-themed ale slithers down your throat, you question if this whole relationship thing is worth it. Much like the beer, the relationship is finished. The 10 minutes that it took to finish this beer were bitter and filled with regret. The only thing this beer has going for it is how incredibly thick this bottle was. Thicker than a snicker, and I am hungry.

Tess: This was by far one of the worst beers I have drank. If you also enjoy fruity drinks more than beer, you will not enjoy this beverage at all. I could not take a sip without physically cringing.

Will: This was remarkably bitter, but I liked it. This beer was distinguishable from generic beer flavor, which I greatly appreciated. Would recommend.

**Samuel Adam’s Winter Lager**

Don’t waste your time drinking Samuel Adams Winter Lager if you think this beer is going to taste anything like Christmas. There is negligible difference between Winter Lager and normal Boston Lager. It is a marketing scheme and nothing more. A slap to the face of all the people who love Christmas and beer.

If there isn’t a word for the opposite of a Christmas miracle, well, let me suggest Samuel Adams Winter Lager.

Whoever oversees festive flavors at Samuel Adams, stick to the Jack O, that was halfway decent.

Tess: I also was not a fan of this drink. It tasted like a classic bread water beer but with a weird tastes-like-a-moldy-basement-smells twist. It gets some points for thefun “Cheers!” printed under the lid though.

Will: This is a beer fit for the Grinch. I wouldn’t let my dog drink this for several reasons.

Please don’t consume alcoholic beverages if you are under 21 and follow the law. If you are of legal drinking age, please drink responsibly and… stop at buzzed!

As this is the last Record publishing of the semester, we would like to give thanks to our loyal readers. We enjoy hearing from you and we hope you enjoy what we write.

Fret not, we will return next semester with more jokes and more reviewing. Plus, a new season of Letterkenny comes out this month so be ready for more references to come from there.

Are you trying to bring your favorite beer reviewer to family Christmas? We have the cookies already in the oven, just send us the address. Remember, if you are of age, stop at buzzed! Anyways, back to choring.