Obscure gas station beers lead to mixed reviews

How we are still allowed to write about beer for our school paper is unknown, but we are so happy to be back this week to provide the best-written content for you all. Once again, we braved the rigors of tasting obscure and random beers from all over the world so you, our loyal audience, can safely enjoy our favorite recommendations in safe quantities. Remember to always Stop at Buzzed.

**Farm Girl, Lift Bridge**

We started off with another Minnesota brewery that has a bit more of a personal connection to us, Lift Bridge. We don’t have time to get into that, but they have a beautiful beer named Farm Girl that we genuinely loved.

Jmay and Chach both agreed we can use a little more Farm Girl in our lives. Chach seems to think that he has always had a soft spot for Farm Girl, but Jmay can’t decide if he was talking about beers or actual farm girls. This cutie of a beer had us stumped from the beginning. We were convinced this was a lowkey, underground, light beer that we had the opportunity to bring into the limelight. Turns out we still know nothing, it’s not even a light beer, but we would still consider consuming this hog for one of our favorite CSB+SJU holidays, Case Day.

Jmay even went as far as to say, “If I knew someone who wasn’t a broke college student, I would recommend they replace their favorite light beer with this cow.” This beer was a stud from the beginning. An attractive can, mixed with a sexy golden look, that included a delectable orange finish—it really doesn’t get much better than that.

**Cryo Stash, HOP Valley IPA**

We got bold for our next few beers. Due to our lack of funding from The Record, Jmay was forced to get a questionable $3 six-pack from our local Speedway.

Let me tell you, these brews were definitely questionable. Our first HOP Valley variety pack brewski was Cyro Stash. We only drink beer and know little to nothing about the brewing process, so the idea of having something Cryo in our beer definitely threw us off. We both hopedit was a frozen treat, but it was just a 9% IPA. According to the box, this brew is “bursting with tropical flavor and citrus aroma,” but we politely disagree.

After the first taste, “Smell no citrus, just IPA.” Although sentence structure is poor, we feel our point will be understood. Overall, it is a pretty run-of-the-mill IPA with colors and taglines that will only disappoint. We would recommend to only have one of Cryo Stash and make sure you either shotgun it or sip it.

**Alpha Centauri IPA**

The Alpha Centauri: the name of this beer and also the closest star system to our sun. We understand the name because this little drink shouldn’t be allowed in any liquor stores closer to us than the neighboring star system.

The can, which was once again labeled brilliantly, stated that there would be “an intense pine and citrus aroma dominating this brew.” It also stated that the IBU (International Bitterness Units, we had to look it up) is 100. We also didn’t know what a high number was for IBU’s, but after research we found an average light beer is around five, and the scale maxes out at 120… not a good sign for the Centauri. This quickly cooled our excitement, and sure enough, this IPA was more bitter than Viking fans after Kirk tore his Achilles this weekend.

There was no other taste besides the bitterness, no other smell besides the bitterness, and therefore the can was dumped out and recycled. This beer was not Alpha in any way, shape or form, so we are henceforth referring to this beer as Beta Centauri. TRY AT YOUR OWN RISK.

**Stash Bandicoot IPA**

We rounded out this tasting with the Stash Bandicoot IPA, which was also from the Hop Valley six pack. The can’s name immediately brought Chach to his gamer days, playing Crash Bandicoot with his brother into the wee hours of the night.

The can also stated we could “discover a juicy jungle with notes of apricots and red berries.” We may not be great explorers, but all we managed to find was yet another mid IPA. While it was more drinkable than the Beta Centauri, there was still no taste like the can mentioned there would be. However, it was a tiny amount sweeter than the Cryo Stash, so maybe that was the juicy jungle… right?

Overall, we were mightily disappointed by this six-pack of IPAs. While the names, cans and descriptions were off the charts, there was a severe lack of flavor in comparison. Therefore, we recommend that whoever works for Hop Valley IPA in the creative and marketing side should consider coming to CSB+SJU instead. If they can hype up these boring-tasting beers, they sure as hell can sell future students on the best… how do I say it.. strongly integrated schools that are definitely not one, but the students have classes together, and have joint everything.. well besides graduation, which is separate still. Yes, they’d find a way.