Guest reviewers join column to critique, assess wines

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of those who celebrate. Due to this super fun holiday, we are bringing a Valentine’s Day-themed review for all our loyal readers. For this review, we brought together some of the coolest, most unique, funniest, kindest, smartest and best single people that we know. Sadly, this means that Jmay will not be joining us this week. For safety purposes, I kept our special guests’ identities hidden so their DMs do not get flooded all at once… With that being said, let me introduce you to our new reviewers:

Big Mac—She enjoys watching all seven Harry Potter movies in about a day or two, wearing other people’s clothes and long, romantic walks on the beach with handsome Frenchmen. Not only that, but she’s a super-athlete, as she was the libero on the CSB volleyball team. Her only weakness, her Achilles heel, so to speak, is the fact that she literally ruptured her Achilles playing volleyball last semester. However, she is back and better than ever, ready to get back out there. When asked her plans for the big day, she said, “I am excited to enjoy a bottle of wine by myself this Valentine’s Day; more for me, anyway.”

Spangy Wangy—If you want to know a ton of random facts about people and places that you most likely have no idea existed, look no further. Spangy Wangy is a walking encyclopedia and just so happens to be a comedian—dare I say, the best of both worlds. Not only is he smart and funny, but he is also super into doing the breaststroke, his go-to event in swimming. He wants you all to know that, “I’ve been dating myself this past year and it has not been going well… looking for something new.”

KyKy’s Camera—At a towering 5 foot 2 inches, KyKy rises above the rest. She is a proud non-ginger member of the CSB+SJU Irish Dance Club. As a single mother of a small rodent named Princess, KyKy is no stranger to being a strong provider. Watch out for her in public, as she loves to take horrifying photos and post them to her second account,“@ KyKy’s Camera.” She had just one thing to say to the Record about her Valentine’s Day plans: “I won’t be getting flowers again this year; the only difference is that I am single now.”

Rark Rosen—This guy is an alpha to the bone. There is no need to ask, “who is carrying the boats?” when Rark enters the room. Filled with hot takes and unique conversation starters… there is rarely a dull moment when he is around. Oh, did I forget to mention he is a DIII athlete AND has a goatee… relax, relax, do not all start lining up at once. One thing he wants you to know, “y’all missing out… mrosen001@csbsju.edu (serious inquiries only).”

As you can see, this review is not really a review of drinks… but we did enjoy a few different wines while in each other’s company. We started off with the Phantom Chardonnay, courtesy of Bello Cucina. This one gave us some mixed reviews, probably due to the fact that it was opened three days prior to our consumption. The Phantom was supposed to be “the driest white at Bello,” but Big Mac and KyKy’s Camera considered this one to be buttery and creamy while Spangy Wangy deduced it to be quite wet instead. Rark, on the other hand, just so happens to also be a wine connoisseur, so he was able to use the Five S’s of wine tasting (See, Swirl, Sniff, Sip, and Savor) to find the Green Apple, Pear, and Oaky finish. What can’t this guy do? Big Mac encapsulated our experience well with one single exclamation: “YUM.”

Our next wine, Cardinale— American Sweet Red Wine, also courtesy of Bello Cucina, is a favorite of KyKy’s Camera, which Big Mac and KyKy generously provided for us. PSA, we receive zero funding for our Beer Review adventures, so this was a greatly appreciated gesture. Possibly consider that small tidbit if you want to join us for a review in the future xoxo. Anyway, this one reminded a few of us of past failed relationships; it was sweet at first and dry at the end. It makes for a good wine but a messy breakup. After our initial thoughts, the more we drank this one, the scarier it got. Rark the connoisseur stated, “This is just juice,” and the rest of us could not agree more. Welches should consider stealing some trade secrets from Cardinale because this was better than any grape juice we have ever had. After the bottle went quickly, Spangy Wangy had a personal realization: “I have gotten a lot louder; I apologize.” That should tell you how good this one was.

Our last wine we tested as a lonely quintet was Black Box—tart and tangy Sauvignon Blanc. We usually try to save the best for last, but this one did not live up to the hype. Sorta like the idea of being single… Although the watered-down grapefruit taste was not our favorite by any means, at least we still have each other. Don’t get me wrong, having a wine-drinking singles support group would be a good idea to cope with the single life, but the joke is getting old… I think we should start looking for something else. Feel free to message us if interested.