Beatbox flavors earn stamp of approval from reviewers

Thank you for flipping open the CSB+SJU Record. We are so honored that you are choosing to spend your time reading our column instead of doing other collegiate activities. After months and months of requests filling our inbox, we finally budged and are bringing a much-requested review to the table this week.

As you all know, we are all about shattering the norms of “Beer Reviews,” but this category of drink takes it to a whole new level. Some may read this article and completely discredit everything we have said about beers over the last six months, but we are ready to face the critics. Without further ado, welcome to the Beatbox discussion.

For those of you who do not know what a Beatbox is, let us lay out the groundwork. Sitting at a whopping 11.1%, Beatboxes come in a wide variety of sugary flavors that pack the perfect punch. As the La Playette is discovering, Beatbox is quickly becoming a fan favorite for students to consume at the bar. With a strange recyclable plastic container that holds 16.9 ounces of fun, this is the perfect drink to keep you in “the slot.”

Due to the intensity of these beverages, we brought in a lot of help to finish all these flavors so we could all Stop@Buzzed. With the help of the Attic dwellers, Maeveatron, soccer legend Willy and a few stragglers, we started our meeting of the minds with…

Pink Lemonade: Honestly, we should have known better. If you thought this tasted like anything but Pink Whitney, you are sorely mistaken. Maeveatron audibly gagged after her first sip and stated that it had “hints of sharpie marker mixed with nail polish remover. Maybe something in here could be reminiscent of lemonade flavoring, or perhaps a night forgotten.”

While the flavor may have been D-tier, the idea of pink lemonade kept us asking for another sip, almost as though the taste would change over time. We were obviously wrong, but this did make the pinky stinky go away fast.

Cranberry Dreams: For personal reasons, this one held a special place in Jmay and Chach’s hearts. Anyway, this was basically just a vodka cran only “sweeter in a bad way,” as stated by Willy. You’d think the sweet flavor would add to the vodka cran, creating an enjoyable savory taste, but we quickly realized the dryness cranberry juice brings to the mixie is the special part. A sweet cranberry will bring you nothing but angry tastebuds and a rotten gut at the end of your evening.

We managed to sip this one to make it enjoyable, but it wasn’t anything to write home about. Stick to your classic vodka cran served by a friendly La bartender over this naughty mix.

Hard Tea: This started the beginning of a change of heart. Beatbox has always been a joke in our minds, but these next few flavors have added some legitimacy to the grip these toxic beverages hold over college bars.

“Doesn’t even taste like alcohol,” was mentioned multiple times, with a good blend of sweetness to not overpower our tender taste buds. Maeveatron said this drink plays mind games, as it tricks you into thinking you’re going to have a quiet night at home, sipping tea and diving into a good read before bed. However, when the 11.1% kicks in, suddenly you’re at the La, shirtless, jamming to Hollywood Boulevard. This “Scary out of 10” beverage will put you and your tea-loving great-aunt on your butts if you’re not careful.

Fresh Watermelon: “Fresh” was a great descriptor for this beverage, as it encapsulated all that is good and bad of a hearty watermelon from your local grocery store. A hint of sourness with a sweetness that wasn’t overpowering, this drink was the quintessential essence of watermelon. Not only did it taste like watermelon, but they also managed to get the flavor of a watermelon rind in it as well. This drink tastes like it should be made at a swim-up bar in Cabo, not in a colorful box from the Beatbox Corporation.

Some reviewers didn’t think this way, even suggesting that a “fart” was potentially mixed into this concoction. The semi-professional reviewers disagreed, but it is up for your interpretation.

Juicy Mango: This bad boy smells like mango, looks like mango and tastes very much like mango as well. Willy liked this much more than the watermelon because of the stronger tasting Mango flavor.

“A grown-up Naked Juice drink,” Maevatron stated, also joining in on the high praise train for Juicy Mango.

All the ladies and gentlemen had good things to say about this beverage, making it potentially your safest option if you want to take a stroll down Beatbox Ave. This Beatbox adventure created a guilt in Jmay that he felt needed to be expressed during his review, so we thought we’d share it with you all:

“I have always thought that beatbox tasted like [expletive]. I have been so true to it and made so many people go away from Beatbox, but juicy mango and fresh watermelon have changed my perspective. I am now a Beatbox supporter. I will buy their brand, I will buy their shirts, I will buy their hats, I will buy their merchandise, I will buy everything. It takes a big man to admit his mistakes, and I am that big man. I am a big man,” Jmay said.