Helping a friend: simple steps to remember

Many of us take pride in helping our friends.

It often feels like one of the most meaningful things we can offer to someone, and this is the way we show we care.

In some instances, we know exactly what to say and what they need. Other times, we feel completely clueless. Here are some suggestions about how to help our friends, particularly when we are concerned about them. 1. Lead with empathy.

Using openness and avoiding judgement, empathy is a way to connect with someone by using our own experience of pain to relate to another person’s experience of pain and validate their experience.

It is not about solving or changing the pain.

Many of our friends who are struggling want us to recognize their pain and make space for that pain to exist.

It may seem unbelievable but many do not want advice (at first).

Start with statements that focus on the struggle: “This sounds really overwhelming,” “You really don’t know what to do,” “I wish I could do something to take it away,” “I don’t know what to say but it means a lot that you told me.”

2. Ask what they need.

When they come to us, our friends are often seeking something from you.

It may serve both of you to ask, “What do you need from me right now? Do you need advice? Someone to listen? Do you need me to do something?”

This can help both of you to be clear about the focus of the conversation. You may default to giving advice when all they need is someone to listen.

This can save you both frustration and can allow your friend’s needs to be more clearly met.

3. Return responsibility.

Sometimes, when our friends turn to us, we accidentally take on their struggle as our own.

We now feel like we must make them feel less pain, provide a solution or answer or give them some direction so that their concern can be resolved.

We can then feel frustrated when they don’t follow our advice or continue to choose to struggle.

This is not your responsibility. It is our friend’s responsibility to make decisions in their own life. This boundary is important as you maintain your own stability and provide support to your friend.

4. Set needed boundaries. You may recognize that your friend needs support you cannot provide.

This is a good time to tell them, “You matter so much to me that I want you to consider talking to someone who can help you in ways I cannot.”

Remember that you have a large group of people who can support you and your friend with their struggles.

Also, if your friend is experiencing serious struggle, do not manage this on your own.

Use urgent or emergent resources if you are concerned for their safety.

Use 988, 911 or other professionals who can help your friend get the help they need.

5. Remember that you need help too sometimes. I often hear from clients that they don’t want to burden their friends with their own struggles.

We all need help and support, and your friends are likely looking forward to returning the favor you have offered so many times.

Consider taking the risk to be vulnerable with those around you. It can lead to deeper relationships and commonality that you may not realize exists between you.

Check out Psychology Today’s section on Friends and Empathy for more information and to learn more about how to foster meaningful and fulfilling friendships