Beer reviewers drive to Wisconsin brewery to taste test

Welcome back to your favorite weekly read in your favorite student run newspaper.

In our never ending quest to find the perfect beer, we decided to head to the great state of Wisconsin.

With a mild level of lactose intolerance and a general fear of the citizens of the state, we began our perilous journey.

We were met with warnings along the way that said, “If you’re under the age of 21, please don’t consume alcohol. If that doesn’t apply to you, remember, stop at buzzed!”

A few short hours later, we arrived at our destination, the famed and highly respected New Glarus Brewing Company.

**Spotted Cow**

The most famous of all their beers is the Spotted Cow. Overall it’s a beer that tastes so wonderful, it only comes behind free beer, cheap beer and the next beer on Mack’s list of favorite beers of all time.

Mack, newly a Wisconsinite, firmly believes that Spotted Cow could stop Putin from invading Ukraine if only he had a taste of this sweet nectar.

If you haven’t had it, get in your car and go to Wisconsin right now.

We don’t care if you have homework to do, go get it. Now. Seriously, this beer is great.

Having that special someone over for a dinner date?

Spotted Cow. Inviting us to your wedding? Spotted Cow keg.

**Two Women**

The second beer we tasted was the Two Women. This beer pays homage to thousands of years of female brewers.

From Sumerian women to Viking women to European ale wives, this beer seeks to honor them, and honor them it did.

This beer is enough for us to turn around from our trip to the Fleet Farm and go buy a full case of it. By Talos, the Greek titan, this beer was good.

**Gyrator Doppel**

The third beer this week was the Gyrator Doppel. We were met with the impossible task of not laughing at the name of this beer.

Safe to say, Mack is currently failing miserably writing this.

The bass on the side of the glass is an absolute toad that would put up quite the fight on a medium-light ice fishing rod.

This beer is a bock and a pilsner malt, which would suggest a high probability of dislike from the average person.

It tastes just like the bottle of chocolate milk we left in our fridge freshman year for about three weeks too long.

This was the most bitter of all the beers and finds itself being the least favorite in this week’s reviews. However, it could be worse. It could be De-Lovely.

**Moon Man**

The fourth beer was the Moon Man. We aren’t really sure why a paw print was used for the decal on the bottle. It would make more sense for it to be, you know, an astronaut.

But it was still a great beer overall. It has that same Spotted Cow flavor that everyone knows and loves.

Perhaps a little hoppier, but it is pretty similar to the mainline brew from New Glarus.

By the end of this beer there was only one thing to say, like Jemaine Clement said as Fart in Rick and Morty: goodbye, moon man.

**Bonus Review: Hamm’s**

It’s been awhile since we have reviewed at a cheap, college budget level beer. We knew there was but one choice.

We pulled out the tried and true, battle hardened and timeless classic: Hamms. There was a time when we would talk down on Hamms. But we were fools. Fools who needed saving. Our savior came from a can-do attitude and the local BP gas station.

It was as if God himself came down to help us exit this earthly prison.

With a price of $12.50 for 30 cans, now nothing can stop our crusade to find the best beer there is.

Not that Hamms is, but we have something for the journey.

Like Tobey Keith basically said in that one song, “Hamms, you’re not just a beer. You’re my friend. Thank you for being my friend.”

That’s all for this week and thanks for reading.

If you have any suggestions shoot us an email. More importantly, if you are generally convinced that Spotted Cow would stop Putin from invading Ukraine, Mack would love to talk to you about it.

He has a couple extra laying around if you’re interested. Anyways, back to choring.