Applying the lessons of St. Benedict in life
This is the opinion of Br. Denys Janiga, OSB, a monk of St. John’s Abbey and a Benedictine Fellow at SJUFaith
Okay, we’re in the sixth week of the fall semester and the vibe check you’ve been performing tells you that your dorm mate is really getting on your nerves. Like, really. Whether it’s stepping on the chicken wing bones that they kindly left for you on the floor, or the snoring that sounds like the Link bus with a broken muffler, patience is becoming a scarce resource.
Community living can be difficult at times, but it also comes with many blessings when we develop zeal for seeking peace and reconciliation.
Prior to monastic life I spent several years working in conflict and dispute resolution. For instance, I taught conflict resolution at York University in Toronto, Canada. I also worked for a public sector union as a dispute resolution officer trying to resolve problems between members and management.
Now that I am a Benedictine monk, I find myself pondering what wisdom the Rule of Benedict offers today that might be beneficial for managing and navigating conflict in everyday life.
The Rule of Benedict was written by St. Benedict of Nursia in the 6th century to present an organizational structure for monastic life that could promote a peaceful and cooperative approach to community life. As you spend the next four years of your life living in a dormitory community, perhaps there is something helpful that St. Benedict might share with you. The religious order he inadvertently founded has existed for about 1,500 years.
What does the Rule offer to those experiencing conflict? First, it encourages us to adopt a posture that can greatly aid the resolution of conflict: humility. In Chapter 7, it states that the “second step of humility is not to delight in satisfying our desires out of love for our own way.”
This asks us to attend to the relationship and not just our own desires; it also recognizes that each person who is party to a conflict does not have all the answers. The blessing here is learning. When we attend to the relationship with positive regard we learn about the other and ourselves. Pertinent questions: Is my ego getting in the way? Am I focused on being right or learning from the conflict?
Second, when we feel wronged or hurt, we might go into self-protection mode in a way that places the relationship at arm’s length. Sometimes that is an appropriate response. But Benedict counsels that when a relationship goes sideways the parties to the conflict should “make peace before sundown.” This means don’t let the grudge grow. It can be emotionally powerful to approach the one you’re having conflict with and say you want to make peace with them. Try it.
Third, when we approach the person that we are experiencing conflict with silence can play a crucial role. Benedict believed silence was so important that in Chapter 6 he quoted scripture saying that “[d]eath and life are in the hands of the tongue.” Speech can cause problems. We might say something that is not helpful. Remaining silent at times, therefore, can help guard a conversation from hurtful speech and help you get closer to peace and reconciliation.