National Coming Out Day: what do I say?

National Coming Out Day is October 11, and while the concept of “coming out” is fading away in favor of acceptance and not making assumptions, it is still a very important day for many people. It can be filled with lots of excitement of finally not having to hide one’s identity, but often it is also filled with dread and fear of not being accepted. We at QPLUS want to do our best to help create safe spaces for students to come out in, so we are sharing some helpful tips to keep in mind when your loved one comes out to you. No one’s coming out experience is the same, but these general guidelines can help you to best support your loved one in this experience.

First thing’s first: acknowledge this moment is important! Even a simple, “Thank you so much for trusting me to share this information with,” goes a long way. Don’t brush past it, but don’t make it about you. Don’t be offended if it’s taken a while for them to tell you—this can be a really scary moment for people.

Making assumptions is, as usual, not helpful. Don’t assume what you think is helpful for them is what they want/need. Some people want to continue with life as normal, some people have been waiting their whole lives for this moment and dreaming of what it might be. Focus on your loved one and what they need. Do they want to celebrate, do they need time to process or do they just want to tell you and move on? Ask them! It’s better to ask questions than assume you know the answer. Ask them if they would like to be referred to differently (name, pronouns, etc.). Ask them if they want this information shared or kept between you two.

Do not share your loved one’s queer identity unless they have specified that it is okay to do so. Some people want to come out on their own terms to each person they interact with. Others find it exhausting to come out individually to everyone in their lives—just check in.

Don’t rely on them for your information. If it’s something you can research on your own, do that instead. Just because they have shared their identity doesn’t make them obligated to educate you.

Check in with them to see if they have a supportive queer space. You absolutely should be a supportive space for them, but they might want somewhere where people can understand some of things they experience on a more relatable level.

Above all, make sure to reaffirm to them that you care about them, you are here to support them in whatever capacity they might need, and you are constantly going to do the work needed to be a supportive ally. They are a whole person, not just their recently shared identity and they will just want to know that while new information has been shared, your relationship will be the same. Don’t overthink it too much—just be there for them!

Also, check out what QPLUS has going on for National Coming Out Day. Monday we’ll be tabling in Gorecki Fireside from 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. Come by for resources, cookies, or just to chat. Our biweekly Come O.U.T. meeting is happening next Wednesday in the Lavender Lounge in lower Murray Hall, and we’re making vision boards. Next Thursday is A Flood of Hate: The Rise of Anti-Transgender Legislation. This event will feature panelists from many different groups and organizations talking about how anti-trans legislation has evolved over the years. Come by the Multicultural Center student space to hear more. And as always, stop by the MCC any time and follow us on Instagram for more content (@csbsjuqplus).

Peace and love.