Reviewers challenge their tastebuds, sample expired IPAs

We are naming this review Dirty Fridge because, although it is only a few weeks into the semester, the fridge needed to be cleaned out. Special thanks to Chuck Ellis, a former reviewer, for donating the beer we reviewed for this chapter. However, it was all deemed expired via the dates on the bottom of the cans, which read anywhere from 2021 to June 2022. So, can we really thank him? However, we persevered and realized society cannot tell us when beer expires; only we can.

Remember, as semi-pro beer drinkers and reviewers, we recommend to Stop At Buzzed.

Our first try was the Patio Perfection Gose, which turned into one of our favorite beers of all time. It is no Lebron James (GOAT) of beers, but this creation from Summit, a Minnesota brewery, absolutely deserves to be tried again. The soft hint of lemony goodness with just a touch of tart, but not enough to make your lips pucker, creates a taste that one would not get sick of.

Chuck said he was more than willing to drink many of them to make sure, and Jmay readily agreed to join him. To go with the name, we will be partaking in this heavenly sit down on Locke Lake sometime later this fall, perhaps with Barb, if anyone else would like to join us. Not necessarily a fall beer, but the taste brings the mind back to a hot summer day on the waters of Lake Sag. Ahhhhhhhh, what a delight.

Sweet Child of Vine was our next test, a 6.5% IPA that we of course listened to “Sweet Child of Mine” by Guns N’ Roses while drinking. Whilst being wooed by Slash’s shredding of the guitar, we were surprised by a hint of sweetness to the IPA, something we had not experienced before. Soon after, we saw the can stated there are “sweet notes of caramel malt” within the brew.

While we could not find the caramel, we found the sweetness, thus solidifying our opinions as experts in our field. There was also a lack of the bitterness you would normally get from an IPA, which we did not hate either. Once again, it was a home-state beer brewed by Fulton, which made us enjoy it that much more. Not our favorite beer, but we do recommend that if you try it, do so while headbanging to Guns N’ Roses. It definitely tastes better that way.

This is when Charlie and I started to get a little bit nervous, as the next two beers had some scary components. Big Little Thing IPA brewed by Sierra Nevada was listed as 9%, and boy, did it smell like it. “It’s attacking my nose” and “It’s attacking my tongue” were said numerous times while trying to choke this beer down. It was hoppy as a frog, with a taste that we considered similar to a fart. This could have been the expired aspect, but we have had skunked beer before, and this was not like that.

Our roommate, Ian, joined us for a sip, but got confused when he saw the remarks from the Surgeon General (which is on every can) stating that it should not be consumed by pregnant women and children. Ian also was not aware of what hops were — there is a reason this document is not shared with him for editing and opinions. We also hated it, though. We genuinely would have rather taken shots of vodka or sipped vodka if we had to before finishing this beer. This was the first, and hopefully last, soldier that was not finished in Sexton 210, and there was good reason for it. Do not recommend; do not consume.

This beer sucks. Period.

The final brew for this week was extremely unique and was named Fruit Force, a fruit punch IPA by Voodoo Ranger. Fruit Force was a great name, as not only did it pack a punch, but also sounds like a potentially new hip kids show about fruit fighting crime. We trademark that, by the way, so no stealing.

The smell could not have been more like Kool-Aid and would have confused the heck out of us if we did not know it was a beer before sipping. This beer was even stronger than the last at 9.5%, but did not necessarily taste that way, which could lead to some serious problems after a few of these bad boys. Seriously, this stuff was very sweet and tasted more like fruit punch than beer.

Chachy was a huge fan, as he grew up drinking Kool-Aid on the regular and had a permanently dyed red tongue for quite some time. Jmay, on the other hand, was not impressed. Perhaps his childhood did not contain the fond memories of fruitful red drinks like Charlie’s did.