Carol Bruess shares tips for establishing, maintaining healthy college relationship

Each year, Valentine’s Day leaves many college students with a variety of conflicting thoughts. While some welcome the holiday, others are left feeling melancholy as the 14th of February brings with it difficult emotions. I sat down with Carol Bruess, relationship social scientist, to discuss the ways college students can best foster healthy relationships, especially during a time when it seems like everyone is in a relationship. She shared with me her top tips for college students to engage in healthy, meaningful relationships while in college, which I compiled into the list below.

**YOU come FIRST**

In any relationship, it is important to make yourself a priority. While you are in college, it is important to prioritize not only your education but also your mental and physical health. Relationships should not take a front-row seat, especially when you’re trying to juggle everything college throws at you.

**Get clear about your needs**

When entering into a relationship, it is extremely important to understand exactly what your needs are. You should never feel pressured to compromise your beliefs or non-negotiables for another person. Practice pre-planning to get clarity about your emotions and needs before you’re in a situation when adrenaline is running high.

“It is absolutely essential before you get into a relationship to be clear with yourself,” Bruess said. “When we take time to reflect for internal clarity, it serves a whole host of positive functions but especially in 21st century relationships.”

**Ask for what you need**

A common myth in relationships is that your significant other should be innately aware of your needs. Humans aren’t mind readers. The key to a healthy relationship is clear and explicit communication. This applies not only in romantic relationships but in friendships as well.

**Carefully slice your pie**

“Relationships should be only one slice of the college pie,” Bruess said. “It is important to divide your time and energy between all things that are important in your life.”

As college students, it is understandable that you have to split your time and attention between many things, such as your education, sleep, friendships and physical well-being. It is important to be aware of when a relationship is taking time away from other important things in your life.

**Abuse is often subtle, at first**

There are a variety of different warning signs for abuse, many of which may appear small or inconsequential at first. It is important to recognize the red flags that appear early in a relationship, as they are often indicative of how that person will treat you down the road. Look at the way they treat those around them. Disrespect is one of the biggest relationship red flags and can manifest itself in many forms.

**Compare and Despair**

A phrase coined by the late CJ Bruess, President Brian Bruess’s father, compare and despair is a reminder to focus on ourselves rather than those around us. There are always going to be people who have more or less than what you have. It is important to note that relationships are not a prerequisite in college. Dating is not something that you have to do.

“When you take your eyes off your needs, what you are doing, your joy, your happiness—when you compare yourself to others—you’re going to despair,” Bruess said. “You create your joy. You know what you need best. Trust yourself.”

**Put down your damn phone**

Opportunities to meet great people are all around you, but it is easy to miss them if you are always looking at your phone. Undivided attention is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone, and it says a lot about respect. Try not to put others on pause. Instead, engage in conversation—whether on the Link, at the library or even in class.

**Not every date needs to become a relationship**

The process of practicing dates can be just as valuable as the date itself. Without the emphasis on what the date will become, you are much more likely to feel relaxed and free to practice your conversational skills. Enjoy the process of dating and getting to know another person, but don’t worry about the future right away. It takes away some of the pressure.

**Be patient**

There is no need to rush into a relationship, especially when still in college. Studies show that getting married young increases the chance of divorce. In fact, the current age of first marriage is 31 for women and 34 for men. Take a deep breath, relax and enjoy your time in college. Bruess recommends giving yourself multiple years outside of college to gain life experience and get to know your partner.

**Understand your boundaries**

“Berné Brown says it best: ‘Setting boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. We cannot base our own worthiness on others’ approval.’ We are not only expressing what isn’t okay, but what is okay as well,” Bruess said. “Boundaries are about how others can best be in a relationship to us.”

**Believe your friends**

It is a lot easier to see the whole picture when you aren’t living it, and that is exactly your friends’ perspective. Typically, friends have the ideal view, much clearer than the person in the relationship. Trust that your friends have your best interest in mind.

**Therapy is cool**

Therapy is education about yourself. Be proactive in seeking out resources, whether on or off campus. CSB+SJU has a multitude of resources available to students, whether through Health Services on either campus or through YOU@csbsju—a student-centered website filled with information on mental health, relationships and everything Bennies and Johnnies need to be the best versions of themselves.