Setting healthy expectations for ourselves

We all strive to find a guarantee in life. Guaranteed grade, guaranteed internship, guaranteed partner, guaranteed job = GUARANTEED SUCCESS. Once secured, we can relax and let life unfold in the way it’s supposed to unfold (i.e., successfully). “Real life” may feel like a collision of uncontrollable factors that seem to get in the way of this guarantee (uncertainty, pain, difficulty) and we turn to what we believe we can control to increase the likelihood of guaranteed success. This often comes in the form of perfectionism.

We might tell ourselves, “if I can only just be the perfect student… friend… partner… employee… etc., then I can avoid PAIN/FAILURE/DISAPPOINTMENT.” While we might tell ourselves we are striving for success, we often set unrealistic and unachievable high expectations of ourselves that cause us to feel like we can never do enough or do well enough. We feel like we can prove our worth and value if we are able to avoid the unwanted consequences of living a life of growth that might include not answering everything right, not getting all of the points or feeling confused and overwhelmed. Small mistakes or struggles become proof of our incapability and that they are a predictor of future failure. “If it doesn’t go exactly as I planned it to go, I have failed and I am a failure.” In this, we overlook the vast evidence of success that we experience on a daily basis. We then define ourselves in the limited “failure” rather than the prolific success we have had.

The good news: we can learn to set healthy high expectations but we must avoid the all-or-nothing thinking that comes with perfectionism. This means that we must find a way to insert flexibility into our expectations, allowing ourselves to struggle at times, have a poor performance, make mistakes, shift plans or not have all the answers or earn all the points. These factors are not equivalent to failure… they are the uncomfortable realities of growth.

Be careful of your comparisons to others. When we have perfection as our standard, we tend to see ourselves as almost always worse off than everyone else. As humans, we enter each situation with a different set of knowledge, histories and experiences that cannot be compared. It is your job to tend to this comparison and limit its impact on the way you define yourself. Recognize your strengths and support your growth edges; with reasonable goals and a healthy work ethic, you can improve your growth edges and get closer to fulfilling your full ability.

Humans are inherently flawed, have strengths and weaknesses and have a range of abilities. By setting the perfectionism standard for yourself, you potentially create a crippling pressure on your every day life. You may find yourself procrastinating, isolating, withdrawing and limiting your life because of the standard you have set for yourself. Give yourself a break… and credit. Credit for the work you have done and will do. Credit for your willingness to learn. Credit for your resilience. And credit for your capacity to continue to overcome challenge in a flexible and imperfect way.

If you wish to examine your relationship with perfectionism, consider reading “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown or the many workbooks available to you dealing with perfectionism, some of which are available by eBook through the CSB+SJU Libraries!